I wish I could see myself the way others see me. I have some wonderful friends and family who keep telling me how great I am and what a fantastic person I am, and I just can't see it. I look in the mirror and I see an overweight failure of a person who wishes that things could be different; wishes he could look different, feel different; feel like the person that people say I am. But I just can't find that person in the reflection right now. Sometimes I might catch a glimmer, but that's ever about it.

Someday I'd like to be able to look in the mirror and not think, "This is as good as it gets, and it isn't really that great, is it?"

Sometimes I wonder, what's the point?

I know I've only been working on trying to fix my problems for a couple of months now, but it just seems like a losing battle. Nothing feels like it's being fixed, just masked by drugs, and I'm already growing weary of trying to fix something that feels permanently broken. I want to feel like I have possibility again, like I did a few months ago, but that has slipped away from me.

Nothing feels worth it to me right now.

I often wonder if I'd actually be missed.

Today's fun with cognitive blunting!

OK, so I thought I'd have to post some my adventures with cognitive blunting, an apparent odd side effect of my new meds. Last night I was getting together with Tanya for her birthday, and on my way home from work I stopped at B&N to pick up a book on the circus for her. I left it in my car when I got home because I had my hands full, but had every intention to get it wrapped and take it to her later in the evening. I never remembered again that I had purchased the book until I got halfway to her place and found it sitting on the back seat of the car. In the time span of me buying the book and getting back to my place and then leaving a couple of hours later for her place, I'd forgotten that I'd bought the book and that I had wanted to wrap it.

Cognitive blunting is fun!

project:Re-Invention 10 IV 2010

Have you ever woken, realized that you have a perfectly good life, wonderful friends and family, a good job... and still think that there is something missing from your life; that you are meant for something more than what you currently are?

I think I'm just beginning to wake up to that.

This is an amazing video that I just had to share