We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be. ~May Sarton

from my bookshelf

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I know I should be attempting sleep at this hour, but it eludes me. Instead, I sit here, enjoying the solitude. C came into town tonight and I picked him up at the train station. We had a small dinner before taking him to his mother's house, where he came to help in an hour of need. B is asleep, Pride is sitting next to me, Sophie at my feet. There is a slight chill in the air yet this evening; the moon is barely shining. I just stepped outside to get a fresh perspective on the night. Traffic passing on the highway. Sleep is just around the corner, I can feel it tapping at my shoulder, but not quite yet. Now, I'm lost in my thoughts and the quiet.

I have attempted to find some purpose for my today. I was informed that the Hugo Awards are looking for a logo; they have a physical award to present to winners, but no logo to go with that award. In one fell swoop of inspiration, an idea came to me. I was quick to sketch it down before it tried to escape memory. I won't even pretend to think that I will win this competition, but I will enter. It is open on an international scale, but like C has told me in the past, how will I know what I can do if I never try? I've done good work in the past, and just because one person made me feel inadequate almost a decade ago doesn't mean that to be a truth. This is not a negative attitude, but a realistic one. I know friends would frown on me not thinking I could win this. I'm proud of myself for entering, and not giving into the doubt and lack of confidence.

I still want to find purpose for my days, my self. Maybe this could be a step in that direction; knowing that I at least have the strength to try, to remember when I thought I was a good designer, that I had potential. A decade is a long time to waste on one person's flawed idea of me.

But first, the solitude. And then some sleep. And then another day, and trying to find the purpose for that day.

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