We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be. ~May Sarton

from my bookshelf

Thursday, March 11, 2010

project:Re-Invention 11 III 2010

Today starts the new drug regimen of Lexapro to see if that will help with the feelings of hopelessness, but right now I don't see how that's going to be possible. This morning it just feels like my life is falling apart around me, slowly but surely, and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm thinking I'm going to have to be taking on a second job again, which in my current state may not be the best idea, but it's the only solution I can think of to my money problems. It's either that, hope for winning the lottery or going to my uncle, which I won't do, so another job it is. I'm going to be going through the huge amount of collectible stuff that I have around the house here and starting to sell that as well, and any money that I make from that will be going right to bills. If I'm ever going to get out of Lansing, the only way that will be able to happen is if I get my money situation under control. The fact that I thought I was paying off my car this year when in fact I still have another year to go was a hard blow to take yesterday and yet another reason why I feel like such a failure. Six months ago everything about this year was supposed to be the year where my life was going to come together, and now it just seems to unravel, thread by thread, until I'm afraid there's not going to be much left of it, unless I do the one thing that I don't want to do, and that's take on a second job. It will change everything about my life and while it will help with the money situation, I'm afraid that it will take away all the things that do keep me "sane" right now. These are the days when I hope that I don't fall too much under the influence of myself. I wish today had a better outlook on things, but at this moment, at the start of this day, I'm feeling pretty hopeless and futile.

Re-Invention Initiative - Self-Improvement

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