OK, so as I'm sitting here nursing a cold (not the most auspicious beginning to the New Year), I'm taking a minute to reflect back on 2009 and the hopes for 2010.
2009 really wasn't a bad year. Honest. I had some amazing moments this year. Looking back through my blog from the last year though, I had fewer posts this year than I have the last two years. I feel like I've been foundering, trying to find some kind of focus in every aspect of my life. I always look at the new year with some kind of sense of wonder - that there is so much potential in the coming year. However, right now, at this moment, I feel like I'm standing on the edge of something bigger. Maybe this will be the year that it comes together for me. What it is that I'm waiting to come together, I don't have a clue, but things feel right. Or different. Or both. I don't know, it just feels like something is going to happen.
Like I said, I had some amazing moments this year. Going out to Maine for M's graduation. C and me at Walt Disney World. Several trips to Chicago. Wicked one last time. The Addams Family on Broadway in Chicago. Getting the harem together, all at the same time, finally! Tori Amos and the generosity of a stranger. The Lion King on Broadway with my mom for my birthday at Wharton Center. Florida in October for my dad's retirement party. Banana Shpeel with C and friends. These are all fantastic moments and the reasons why I keep going, for more moments like this.
However, there were some extraordinarily frustrating and sad moments this year as well. A general sense of unpurpose for a majority of the year. Multiple times of feeling used, by several people around me. Tom passing away, after 15 months of battling cancer. A general battle with some form of personal depression; a depression that no matter how I feel I've got it conquered, seems to never leave the peripheral of my life. It's all just damned frustrating, and something that I want to work on this year.
Resolutions never really seem to work for me. I never stick with them. I'd rather try to look at the bigger picture and try to make small changes. Which sounds suspiciously like a resolution, right? Well, it is, but I don't call them resolutions. A resolution is a firm decision, and nothing about these are firm decisions. They are a general want to make a change in my life, be it small or large. I think the thing that I want to do most of all is start taking care of me. I take care of so many other people that sometimes I forget that I need to come first, every once in awhile. I don't mind taking care of people. It's what I do, and I honestly wouldn't feel complete if I didn't take care of people, but I need to start focusing on me as well. I put aside me so many times for others that I think that's part of why I feel used; because I let people use me. But I need to start being firm. Say no. Every once in awhile. I can't just stop taking care of people, like I say, it's an integral part to my being, but I do need to start taking care a little more of me. I want to read with more focus this year. I think this is going to be the easiest for me. That didn't get off to such a great start today, as I haven't read a thing, but there is still time for the first day of the year. I want to recreate my look. This will go hand in hand with my also wanting to take better care of myself. I say every year that I'm going to loose X number of pounds, and that never works. I've weighed more or less the same now for years. However, the big change this year was the gym that the Boss put together for us at the Office. I took advantage of that regularly towards the end of the year, and I can see results, so if I continue doing what I'm doing, I think I'll be recreating my body, and then I can continue recreating my look as well. It's all part of making myself a better person and being better to myself. I feel like I've let myself go over the last couple of years, and that these are small steps to move beyond that. I want more organization in my life. More focus. I want to be happier. It's all potential. It's all possible. I just need to have faith in myself to accomplish it, which is something that I've been lacking for a long time now. Faith in myself. Stop basing my idea of myself on what I think others have thought of me. I took a small blow to that faith this year, but it was a good learning experience. It forced me out of myself, just a little, and I'll be interested to see where I can take myself this year. I want some love in my life. Not just the kind that comes from my friends, which I will never give up, but I do want something more. I want something a little more intimate. And it's not about the sex. It's about the caring of two people for each other.
And right now I need to end this train of thought before I get myself upset again. Small steps. It's not going to happen in a day, David.
So there it is. My hopes for the coming year. I purchased a book on a recommendation from a friend, The Happiness Project. I'm hoping it will give me some small insight to how I can recreate myself to have a little happiness in my life, each day. It may be something small to start out with, like making sure I have a cup of coffee before I leave for the office each day, but it may be small things like that that will make me happy. Find time each day to read. Call the family. Reconnect with friends, and not just through my computer. CALL THEM! It's not that hard. Go see them. That's not that hard either. Start going out. Meet people again. Let people know you exist. These are all things that will make you feel better about yourself, David. Make connections with new people. All achievable. Just believe in yourself. It's not that hard to do. You did it once. You can do it again.
Happy New Year, David. It will be. Just believe in it.