We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be. ~May Sarton

from my bookshelf

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Time flies

I sit here, desperately needing to capture some sleep soon, but I'm lost in thought. Designs and ideas floating around in my head not letting me shut them out, demanding attention. And I'm embracing them. It's been so long since I've felt this full of creativity. Years. Ages. I'm finally growing beyond the limitations that one person placed on me. It's practically exhilarating.

This does not mean that there are no more moments of crushing insecurity and self-doubt. Every moment, even when I'm riding this high, I have to fight off the uncertainty and pain. I was shown a picture of myself from about a decade ago, and I looked at that person and then I look in a mirror and wondered, What happened? Not only physically, but mentally, emotionally. When did I because so scared of reaching for more, and afraid of life, afraid of letting myself go and enjoying it. I feel that I subconsciously sabotage myself on so many occasions, and have done it for so long, that there is no way that I can rise above it again. But then there are nights like tonight that I know that I'll be able to escape this at some point. As with so much in my life, it just is what it is, a work in progress and eventually I hope to feel that I've accomplished something out of all of this.

Meanwhile, time continues to fly by. It does not wait for me. I feel like I am constantly running to keep up with myself right now, but if I stop then I have no hope of achieving the goals that I am aiming for, so I watch time fly by, trying to catch it when I can and keep up with myself. It's all I can do at this point.

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