We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be. ~May Sarton

from my bookshelf

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Closing Myself Off

How do I close myself off from another person, without making myself feel constant guilt and worry over it, even when I know it's the right thing to do for myself?

I had a dream about C--- the other night, and he was trying to get in touch with me, for what I don't know, but it got me to thinking about him again, and as soon as I start to think about him, I start to worry about him, and wonder if he's OK, and start to feel guilt over how I ended things with him.

S---- asked me awhile ago if I had so much guilt over the whole thing because of feelings that I could still be carrying for him, and I thought long about this, and in truth, those feelings don't exist anymore. It comes down to the fact that I've known him for so long now (over 10 years) that we had just become that familiar with each other, and as I consider him as part of my family now, it's hard to come to terms with saying goodbye to him, even if I know it is in my best interest. It's true I love him, but I'm not in love with him. He's a large part of who I am, and it's hard to let him go.

I know deep down, he's a good person; otherwise, I wouldn't have struggled so much over the years to keep him in my life. It just became increasingly difficult to constantly feel like I was only a means to an end for him. He said more than once that I was one of the most important people in his life, but usually only after he had done something to make me angry, and was trying to calm me down. All I ever wanted was to be made to feel like I was as partially important to him as he is to me, and to put forth some effort on his own.

Maybe I really wasn't patient enough. Maybe I wasn't understanding enough. He had a lot to work through in his personal life last year. Maybe I only made the situation worse for him. I don't know; I've barely had any contact with him since October, and none really for the last 4 months.

S---- told me the other day that if he were truly sorry, he would have tried to contact me before now, and this is true. If he really wanted to get in touch with me, he knows where I am. But I feel, as usual, that it is up to me to initiate the contact. We've gone through this in the past, our not speaking, and we worked things out before. I wonder if we can do it again. Or should I just keep myself closed off, and avoid the inevitable hurt all together.

I don't know. I wish I could just let it go. Maybe if I at least knew he was doing OK, that he had finally settled in Chicago and was getting on with his life, I'd be at peace with it. I think it's the not knowing that is driving me crazy.

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