a day in the life of...

1 I 2012

2012-01-01T17:24:00.002-05:00

Not actually the most auspicious start to the New Year. I didn't read my customary New Year's book. It's going on 5:30pm and I have yet to actually move anything to the new place. But, it's been a good day of resting and spending some time with Brad before he ran off to visit some friends of his. Maybe this is what I needed this weekend. Some rest and time with friends before the whirlwind crazy of moving starts up again.

And the promised picture of the new house.

Not starting over, but starting fresh...

2011-12-30T11:47:00.000-05:00

Just as the title says, I'm not starting over, I'm starting fresh.

I decided last month that I needed to move into a place of my own. It was a very quick decision. Once the thought entered my head, I wasted no time in jumping on it. I sound like I'm rushing to get away from Brad, which is about the farthest from the truth that you can get. I'm rushing to get back to myself again. I've rented a house from some friends and I'm slowly moving in over the next month or so. I need to take it slow as I'm still recovering from surgery (which is going exceptionally well!) and Brad is being really supportive about the whole thing and helping me move.

It's a large house, at least for me. It has 3 bedrooms, a 2 car garage, large fenced in backyard so I can have Mame on weekends, a huge finished basement that will give me room to have all of my collections out and on display. I'll have a library and a guest bedroom for when friends are in to visit. I've been buying some new furniture and whatnot, so that I can have a home that is my own, and not all hand-me-downs from family. Nothing wrong with that, but I just want my own things. Needless to say, I'm just a little excited about it.

I'm looking forward to a fresh start with my reading as well. 2011 was about my worst reading year ever, so I'd really like to make up for that in 2012. I've got some loose plans to try to help me achieve that goal.

So, there it is. A new year and a fresh start! And I'm really looking forward to it all.

Round

2011-11-15T15:23:00.002-05:00

I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a big, round me. I was on the treadmill last night next to a guy who was running at a really steady pace like it was nothing. I want to do that. I'm so tired of the me that I've become. I want a healthier, more fit me.

Off to the gym I go. Someday, somebody is going to be writing a blog post about being on the treadmill next to me and watching me run like it's nothing.

Moving and other changes

2011-11-13T14:23:00.001-05:00

So, I've decided to move. This has nothing to do with my roomie, Brad. He's a fantastic friend, and the only person I've been willing to live with for years, but as with everything, it's time for a change. With all that's been going on in my life the last couple of years, I've decided that I need to get a place of my own to help re-center myself. Some friends of mine have a house for rent, and they're being extraordinarily generous with the amount that they are asking for rent, and the timing just feels right for me, so I'm moving.

Of course, the timing feels right except for the fact that this coming Friday I'm having surgery on my shoulder and won't know how long that's going to put me out, and I am still planning on going on vacation over the holidays at the end of December, bt other than those two little things, I totally feel confident that this is the perfect timing for all of this...

A friend asked me the other day if I thrived on chaos. I just may, which is why I'm hoping that this move will help ground me a little so that I don't feel like I'm still flailing about willynilly.

In other news, I've lost 10lbs. It would appear that eating healthy and going to the gym actually do have some positive side effects. Who knew? Now, just to see how the BP looks at the Doc's office this Thursday. Fingers crossed that's not a new medication I see in my future. OH! And my A1C was 5.7-something, so I'm well out of the diabetes danger zone for right now. I'm going to prove myself to be the exception to the rule in my family! No diabetes for me, just allergies, of which I'm the only one who suffers this bad, apparently. Leave it to me to always be the odd duck out!

Adding insult to injury...

2011-11-04T08:26:00.000-04:00

I rotated a vertebra or a disc in my neck yesterday at work by simply turning my head to talk to a Coworker, and now I can barely move my head. And my right shoulder is practically useless. It's embarrassing to note that right now my left shoulder with the torn labrum is actually the better of the two. I ended up getting an adjustment from the doctor when I went yesterday to get my allergy shots, which helped, but I'm still mostly immobile.

Damn and frustration again!

2011-11-03T14:45:00.000-04:00

Well, damn and frustration! Just as I thought I was doing OK and thought I'd be good to start weening myself off the anti-depressants... Well, I did try, but I'm so moody and temperamental and irritable, my friends are even asking me what's wrong, so back to the regular dosage I go! I guess I'll have to talk to the doctor more about this at my follow-up in a couple of weeks.

#sigh

#NaNoWriMo 2011

2011-11-01T10:55:00.004-04:00

I've decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. I want to finally get this YA novel that's been knocking about in my head down on paper, and this is the perfect opportunity! Updates as I progress.

The Disney 50: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

2011-08-15T00:39:00.001-04:00

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Release: 1937

Main Characters
The Evil Queen
The Slave in the Magic Mirror
Snow White
Prince Charming
The Huntsman
Dopey
Doc
Sleepy
Sneezy
Bashful
Grumpy
Happy
The Evil Queen as Old Hag

Thoughts
I don't remember exactly when the first time I saw Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was. I'm sure I saw it at some point during one of it's numerous theatrical releases, but it wasn't until the video release in the early-mid 90s that the film made any lasting impact on me. I was already a fan of Disney animation but all I really knew at that point was The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin. I'll admit that I was a late bloomer when it came to my love of Disney. However, as the years have passed, I've gone from just a normal love of all things Disney to it being something that I live and breathe on a daily basis.

I decided to start watching my entire Disney library since I realized how much I missed the animated classics, and naturally, I started at the beginning with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Its interesting to watch the progression of the films over the decades. Released in 1937, I think it is a testament to Walt Disney and his animators that it has stood the test of time. Granted, there are quite a few elements to the film that are dated (Snow White's physical movements and voice being the most obvious) and parts of the film are overly sentimental, but it tells a clearly thought-through story with just the right balance of emotion and action.

I can honestly say that I am always amazed by this film. I remember when it was released on VHS several years ago (I think that was the first time I had ever seen the complete film), and I remember being blown away by the fluid and natural motion of the characters. I think there is a certain amount of realism present in this film that is not found in many animated films today, including those produced by Disney. For never having attempted something on this scale before, the Disney animators certainly made it look like this was all old-hat to them. The watercolor backgrounds and the earth-toned colors throughout give you the impression that you have stepped into a storybook and are watching as the drawings come to life. In some aspects, I don't know that there has been a film since that has created this same technique.

The writers did an extraordinary job of making the story believable and pulling the right emotion at the right time. They make you feel concern for Snow White and you find yourself hoping that everything will be "happily ever after." Each character has a grounded personality that is believable and true. Snow White is impossibly innocent. The Evil Queen is deliciously evil. The Old Hag is appropriately creepy. The Slave in the Magic Mirror is even creepier. Each of the Dwarfs lives up to his name. Every aspect of the film was obviously thought out and carried through in the execution.

Another aspect of the film that has truly stood the test of time is the music. The songs from the film are all immediately recognizable and after giving the movie a watch, you'll catch yourself humming them without even realizing it.

Originally dubbed "Disney's Folly" by other Hollywood studios because they thought that this was going to be Disney's downfall since no one would want to sit through a cartoon, the film did amazingly well and grossed far beyond it's then astronomical budget of $1.4 million. For a time it was the highest grossing movie in America (only to be outdone by Gone with the Wind) and it even garnered Walt Disney an Honorary Oscar, which recognized the film "as a significant screen innovation which has charmed millions and pioneered a great new entertainment field for the motion picture cartoon." Shirley Temple presented Walt Disney with a normal sized Oscar that was accompanied by seven smaller statues.

The film marks the creation of the Disney legacy, because if it hadn't been successful, there wouldn't have been another made. It may not always be my favorite Disney film, but I do give it the respect that it deserves as being the first and being ahead of its time, and every once in awhile, it's good to go back and see how it all started.

So, there you have it. The one that started it all. The fairest of them all. The one that put Disney feature film animation on the map. Up next? Pinocchio, released in 1940.

"Whistle while you work..."

The Disney 50

2011-08-14T00:18:00.000-04:00

I picked up Disney's new movie Tangled on Blu-Ray the other day, and I had forgotten about the very cool trailer they had put together honoring Tangled as the 50th full-length feature animated film they had produced. And it got me to thinking, I haven't watched many of those films in a really long time. I own them all, so there is no reason why I shouldn't take some time and do a Disney 50 Marathon!

I don't really know how long it's going to take me to get through the entire 50. I don't have a set plan or anything, but I just thought it would be fun to watch them all, chronologically.

I think once I get done with the Disney 50, I may move on to the Pixar films and the Studio Ghibli films that I have. I don't own all of the Ghibli films, so I'll just watch the ones that I own.

Obviously, I'll be starting off with the one that started it all, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, so stay tuned for my thoughts on that movie soon!

When I look in the mirror...

2011-08-03T21:52:00.001-04:00

When I look in the mirror, you know what I see?

Fattums McButters Butt

2011-07-25T09:19:00.000-04:00

Cancer sucks. That is all.

Weekly Roadtrip #4: 6/26/11 A trip to Ireland in my backyard!

2011-06-29T10:17:00.003-04:00

U2 was in concert here this past weekend, and Sarah and I got to go see them. Freaking AWESOME concert. They do know how to put on one hell of a show. The extra added bonus for me was getting to see Florence + the Machine as the opening act. Sarah couldn't figure out yeah I was so excited about Florence, but she started singing, Sarah worked it all out, "I get why you like her so much. It's like Tori Amos and Sarah McLachlan had an angry lovechild!" lol

Needless to say, a great time was by all 70,000 of us sitting in the stadium that night, watching U2 perform on undoubtably the largest stadium concert set I've ever seen!
Sarah waiting for the show to start.

I have never seen a stage this big for a concert before!
Florence + the Machine

Neither of these last two pics do justice to how incredible the staging looked at these precise moments!

I don't always believe it, but...

2011-06-28T19:13:00.005-04:00

No Weekly Roadtrip this week

2011-06-18T11:20:00.001-04:00

Circumstances being what they are at this precise moment, there will be no Weekly Roadtrip this week.

Needless to say, the end of this week quickly turned into a huge flaming ball of SUCK.

2011-06-18T11:16:00.001-04:00

It's astounding how one word can completely change a life.

Creativity...

2011-06-16T18:26:00.000-04:00

So, I've been feeling a little bit creative lately. I've finally got a solid idea of a book floating around in my head. I've got an idea for a comic floating around in my head. I have ideas, art, color, all floating around in my head right now.

Now, just to find the time to be able to start letting it flow!

No weekly Roadtrip this past weekend!

2011-06-15T23:25:00.000-04:00

I decided to take a weekend off this past weekend from my Weekly Roadtrip adventuring. It's been fun, but I've been busy most nights during the week as well, and just needed a break!

Besides, there was a YA author event at my local bookstore on Saturday that I didn't want to miss. Schuler Books was hosting the Dark Days of Supernatural Tour, with four YA authors in attendance. All in all, I have had the extraordinary luck of meeting a wide range of authors over the last couple of weeks! Who I've met in the last 10 days:

Courtney Allison Moulton - Author of Angelfire, her debut book and part of a YA paranormal trilogy.

Leah Clifford - Author of A Touch Mortal, her debut book and part of a YA paranormal trilogy.

Aimée Carter - Author of The Goddess Test, her debut book and part of a YA paranormal/mythology trilogy.

Lisa Desrochers - Author of Personal Demons, her debut book and part of a YA paranormal trilogy. (Seeing a running theme yet? These four authors were all part of a single YA tour.)

Colm Tóibín - Author of Brooklyn, amongst many others.

Meg Waite Clayton - Author of The Language of Light, The Wednesday Sisters and The Four Ms. Bradwells, which are all favorites of mine.

Kelly O'Connor McNees - Author of The Lost Summer of Louisa May Alcott, her debut book, which just came out in paperback. (I attended the Printer's Row Lit Fest in Chicago last weekend, where I sat in on a discussion with Colm Toibin and ran into Meg and Kelly, who were also attending the discussion.)

Mary Doria Russell - Discussing her new book, Doc, at one of my local indie bookstores. I actually didn't pick Doc up, but got a copy of The Sparrow and Dreamers of the Day instead.

Veronica Roth - Author of Divergent, her debut book and part of a new YA dystopian trilogy.

Josephine Angelini - Author of Starcrossed, her debut book and part of a new YA paranormal trilogy.

Aprilynne Pike - Author of the Wings series.

Ellen Schreiber - Author of the Vampire Kisses series. (Again, these last four were all part of another YA tour.

Needless to say, I've been thrilled with all the authors I've been able to meet. And I've said it once, and I'll say it again, authors are some of the most gracious people you'll ever meet. They are so friendly and easy to talk to and really seem to appreciate each and every person who comes to meet them, and I feel lucky and blessed to personally know so many great authors! People, keep up the good work.

So, there it is. A weekend off, but I'm picking right up again this coming weekend. I'm heading back over to Brighton to meet up with V. He and I are going to the movies and to dinner, so that should be a good time. And, to make up for no trip last weekend, I did go to Flint last night to have dinner with Kristin, Lara, Jonathan and Olivia and that was a loverly time. Olivia is such a doll! i'm completely infatuated with that child. =)

Until next time, happy adventuring!

Weekly Roadtrip 2011 #3: 6/3/11-6/5/11 Chicago! (With added Monday adventuring!)

2011-06-07T21:52:00.000-04:00

This week's Weekly Roadtrip was a much needed weekend adventure back to Chicago. For those in the know, you know why I haven't been back more recently, and for those not in the know, well, there's a reason you don't know why I was staying away from Chicago for awhile.

Anyway, my reason for going back to Chicago was a two-fold adventure. I hadn't seen Chad in quite some time, so I wanted to spend some time with him, and I wanted to go to the Printer's Row Lit Fest.

Chad and I had a really good time. We rented a couple of movies to watch on Friday night after he got out of work and went to see the new X-Men movie on Saturday night after he got out of work. He gave me my bday present and it's fabulous. I'll have to get a pic of it to show off. Really, it was an awesome time hanging out with him.

The Lit Fest was a great time, too. I sat in on a discussion with Colm Tóibín and got his book, Brooklyn, signed. I also ran into Meg Waite Clayton and Kelly O'Connor McNees, so that was an added bonus!

After the Lit Fest on Saturday, I wandered around downtown. I found an Art Festival and headed down to the TDS on Michigan. I had lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, Bella Bacino's, before wandering over to Millennium Park. A storm was brewing over the Lake, so I headed for Macy's and Borders to keep out of the rain. I seriously haven't walked that much in ages!!

Sunday Chad had to work, so I got to hang out with Mandy K for most of the day. We hadn't seen each other in months either, so we spent the entire morning and early afternoon talking and catching up and being our usual catty selves until it was time to drop me off at the train station. We made a quit stop into TDS so I could drop my keys back off to Chad and to give him a quick hug on my out of town.

Overall, this was one fantastic trip to Chicago! =)

As an extra added bonus, Mary Doria Russell was speaking at Nicola's Books the Monday evening ater I got back, so Sarah and Brad and I drove over there to see her. She was discussing her new book, Doc (about Doc Holiday), and signing after the discussion. Sarah was thrilled to meet her, and had almost every book she's written with her to sign. I picked up The Sparrow and Dreamers of the Day to sign. I'll post my reviews here as I get them read.

Distance traveled: 230 miles
Bonus trip distance traveled: 70 miles
Total Adventure miles traveled: 435 miles

Weekly Roadtrip 2011 #2: 5/30/11 Making a New Friend!

2011-05-30T20:34:00.002-04:00

So, for this week's Weekly Roadtrip, I headed over to Brighton to meet a new friend, who shall be known as V for the time being. He and I have been talking online for about a week now and decided to finally meet in person, so we agreed on Brighton as a middle point. We had a nice lunch at Stillwater Grill and just chatted, getting to know each other better. After lunch, we went to Borders, had some coffee and talked books for a couple of hours. Overall, not a bad way to spend a Memorial Day. =)

Distance traveled: 50 miles
Total Adventure miles traveled: 135 miles

Weekly Roadtrip 2011 #1: 5/21/11 The Drousy Chaperone at the Kalamazoo Civic Theatre

2011-05-21T19:40:00.006-04:00

Something I've been thinking about the last couple of weeks is I need to fill up my time with some more excitement. As my friend Tanya says, I need more circus in my life. While she probably means that I literally need more circus in my life (she does love her clowns!), I'm looking at it as I need more out of the ordinary, off the beaten path fun. To that end, I've decided on my Weekly Roadtrip 2011 adventure!

I may not make it somewhere every single weekend, but I want to try. Maybe it's to the next town over, maybe it's somewhere farther away. I just want more fun.

So, this weeks Weekly Roadtrip is to the Kalamazoo Civic Theatre to see my co-worker's wife, Dee, in a musical called The Drousy Chaperone. She invited me to the last weekend of the performance's run and I decided this was the perfect opportunity to start my adventures! I'll post more after the show.

Distance traveled: 85 miles
Total Adventure miles traveled: 85 miles

Searching

2011-05-01T13:35:00.000-04:00

What exactly am I searching for? I'm not really sure right now. But I know that I am searching for the new me. I think I've finally found all the broken pieces from the last year, and now I want to put them back together again, but not the way they were before. I want something better. I want to be better. Part of me is scared of what is going to come out of all of this, but I am equally, if not more so, excited to see who I'm going to be. Is everybody going to like the new me? I don't know. I don't even know if I'm going to like the new me, but it's me, so I'd better learn to.

I relate so much to music, and for so long Madonna was my inspiration, and she will always be my Diva Goddess, but lately GaGA has been speaking to me on many levels. I feel like part of what I'm searching for is in her music. I don't know how better to explain it, but that's it. I think I'm searching for accepting myself the way I am, that this is who I am and it's time that I started embracing that instead of trying to be somebody else that I think people want me to be.

And in other news...

2011-04-01T11:12:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm sick again. Trying to figure these allergies out is extraordinarily frustrating. I'm doing what the doctor tells me, and I'm feeling worse. I know that it's supposed to be a "work in progress," but it's hard to think that this is working properly when I just feel more and more like crap every day.

Bugger.

The more things change...

2011-04-01T11:06:00.000-04:00

Still playing the part of the surrogate boyfriend. Apparently, I'm still only good enough when he's single.

And I'm worth more than that.

Fucker.

A good place

2011-03-18T10:20:00.000-04:00

So, it's been a little over a year now since I went a little crazy, and I find myself in a really good place. I've worked out my issues with C, I'm feeling confident in my job, I have a great circle of friends and family and I'm honestly feeling happy! Sure, there are things that I want to see different, but I'm not freaking out about them anymore.

I did just find out that I'm allergic to just about everything and will need to be going on weekly allergy shots for the unforeseen future, and while that's frustrating, I'm glad to have an answer to what's been making me feel so poorly, and hopefully the shots will help me start to feel better.

So, there it is. I'm in a good place and it feels great!

Wow

2011-01-21T09:49:00.000-05:00

The Coworker just found some pics from our very first office cruise back in 2006, including some of me. I don't know that I really have all that much room to talk anymore about how much I think I weigh these days. I'd forgotten how big I was back then. Remembering back on it now, I had to buy new clothes and I had to get pants in a size 42. Today, I'm wearing a 38. So, I guess no matter how bad I think it is right now, it could always be worse...

Chicago, how I've missed you!

2011-01-17T14:52:00.003-05:00

Spent the weekend in Chicago. Went to see Wicked. Had breakfast with Mandy. Had a really good and very honest talk with Chad. The entire weekend was a good thing.

Lunch at Bella Bacino's my first day.

Just a view of the city.

The Borders on Michigan has closed. This is NOT a good thing!

That should just about be self-explanatory.

3 days down

2011-01-05T10:51:00.001-05:00

3 days into the week, and I've been up each day and made it into the office to workout and use the treadmill, and I'm feeling really good. I was a little tired this morning and REALLY wanted to just stay in bed and sleep, but that's not going to help me in the long run, so I forced myself up and got out the door. Now, I'm feeling great and glad that I did it. I've dropped almost 2lbs since the first of the year, so it's a good thing.

Starting off slow

2011-01-03T08:21:00.000-05:00

I'm starting off slow, getting back into the swing of things. Only a mile on the treadmill this morning. But I did it! That's the important thing.

Absolutely need to get back on track

2011-01-02T14:28:00.000-05:00

I feel awful today. Jittery and squeamish, all at the same time. I know what's causing it, too. My terrible, terrible eating habits from the last couple months. I need to start eating better, today! So, going forward from here on out, no more naughty for me. I honestly feel like I should eat nothing more than celery and cucumbers for the next month. So, on that note, I think I need to start keeping track of what I'm eating again. This worked really well for me in the past, so I think I'm going to get back on track with that again.

~~Here's hoping!~~ No, here's doing! Or, as the case may be, here's losing (weight, that is)!

Fuck off, 2010! Bring it, 2011!!

2011-01-01T15:08:00.000-05:00

Yeah, that about says it all right there. 2010 was definitely not my most spectacular year. However, I think with all the shit that went on this year, I'm going to coming out of this a much stronger person. So, I told myself I was going to let myself feel sorry for myself until Dec 31, and then I was going to package up 2010, put it away, and start 2011 afresh. I'm tired of feeling defeated, so I'm going to prove to myself that I can overcome all the shit of the last year and make something of 2011, so that when I look back on the year in 12 months, I can say, I'll miss you 2011. Thank you for being such a tiptop year.

Regrets

2010-12-20T00:54:00.001-05:00

I'm allowing myself two more weeks of regret and sadness over 2010, and then I'm letting it go and moving on with my life in 2011, as a stronger person.

2010-11-22T10:22:00.000-05:00

So, it's been one year now, and I don't know that I'm any better.

Love sucks. Absolutely and completely.

2010-11-21T00:17:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time...

2010-11-19T11:38:00.002-05:00

I never want to feel a thing again. Emotions suck.

2010-11-18T09:45:00.001-05:00

Today is one of those days that I wish I wasn't me.

Halloween

2010-11-10T22:21:00.003-05:00

So, a little after the fact, but here is some Halloween goodness from the past holiday.

Could she be any more lovely?

2010-10-25T14:42:00.000-04:00

Vogue Gallery

project:Re-invention

2010-10-11T14:08:00.000-04:00

I broke the 10lb mark today! That's the weight of a bowling ball. It's a good thing.

Walt Disney World, August 7-14, 2010

2010-09-23T22:37:00.003-04:00

This is a little late in getting posted, but better late than never, right? I spent a week at Walt Disney World with my friends Lara and Jonathan and their daughter, Olivia. We had a great time! Here are a few of the pics that I took with my phone while we were there.

Lara and Olivia outside World of Disney.

Rain!! So much rain!

A successful Princess breakfast!

Fireworks at the Castle on our first night.

Getting ready for Epcot!

Spaceship: Earth at Epcot.

Captain EO is back!

More rain! This time at the Haunted Mansion.

Tree of Life at Animal Kingdom.

Lara and I got to see Cirque du Soleil's La Nouba!

Hollywood Studios.

We got to ride the Star Tours ride one more time before they refurbish it.

Jonathan and Boba Fett!

A day at the circus

2010-09-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

My wonderful friend Tanya invited me to hang out with her and the clowns after the show. How could I refuse?

We stumbled on an art show right across the street from the arena.

project:Re-invention

2010-09-14T11:34:00.001-04:00

Guess who's lost 5lbs during project:Re-invention and is into Day 16 of the 84 Day Exercise Routine, and has kept to it everyday? Yes, that's right. Me! w00t!

Operation: Garden Makeover Phase 1 Complete!

2010-09-14T11:04:00.000-04:00

I've finished Phase 1 of Operation: Garden Makeover, basically just ripping out the old mulch and weeds and remulching everything. I rather pleased with how it has turned out so far.

Garden #2 Before

Garden #2 After

There is still a little to be done. I need some weed killer for around the edges and whatnot, but this is a huge relief to me to have this done.

Accomplishment!

2010-09-09T20:04:00.000-04:00

I actually feel like I got something accomplished today! I've been embarrassed to walk in front of my place because the gardens have completely been overrun with weeds. So today, I decided to do something about it. I bought some mulch, and I'm completely remulching the gardens. I'll add more flowers and plants to them next year, but for now, at least I'll be proud to walk in front of the house!

Tonight was Garden #1. Saturday is Garden #2, which is 3-4 times bigger than Garden #1.

Before:

After:

2010-09-09T09:55:00.001-04:00

Today, it's a good day. =)

Gaga!

2010-09-04T22:46:00.000-04:00

The show was fucking awesome! The pic says it all.

2010-08-26T09:02:00.000-04:00

I'd really like to feel that things are going to go my way. Eventually.

project:Re-invention Reboot

2010-08-24T15:42:00.003-04:00

Well, again, so much has changed over the last several months, but for something completely different, I can honestly say that things are changing for the better. I'm done trying to find value in my life through someone else's eyes. I'm ready to start finding value in myself, for myself.

First step was accomplished today. I went to the doctor. Now, I know this may not seem like such a big deal, but for those that know me, I really don't like going to the doctor. I mean, I REALLY don't like going to the doctor. Yet, this doctor is unlike so any that I've had experience with before; simply put, he's great. I was happy to go see him this morning. All initial tests proved fine, so now we'll just see how the blood test comes out and then we move on to the next step of the Reboot: weight loss!

From My Bookshelf

2010-08-19T11:21:00.002-04:00

For anyone that cares, I'd like to direct your attention to my book blog, From My Bookshelf. There's no particular reason for wanting to draw your attention to it other than I've been working on it for a couple of years now, and I'm really proud of it. It took quite some time for me to be comfortable enough with the design elements of Blogger to be able to come up with a finished design that I really like. Stop by, let me know what you think, and you might just discover a new book or two that you'd like to read!

2010-07-31T13:16:00.002-04:00

I feel like I've unraveled and I'm having to weave myself into a brand new tapestry. One thread at a time.

2010-07-26T18:03:00.001-04:00

I want to start defying gravity.

Toy Story 3

2010-07-26T10:10:00.002-04:00

On an entirely different note, if you haven't had a chance to see Toy Story 3 yet and you're a fan of the other Toy Story movies, stop reading this post right now and go see it! You won't be sorry. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you won't be sorry.

2010-07-26T09:58:00.001-04:00

How do I re-Invent myself?

2010-07-11T17:27:00.001-04:00

26 days and counting...!

2010-07-02T10:06:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time...

2010-06-14T10:42:00.002-04:00

I need inspiration. I need motivation. I need organization. I need a creativity explosion/implosion. I need focus. I need precision. I need love.

2010-06-11T13:03:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how just a few minor, insignificant happenings can totally throw me right back into familiar habits. No sleep. Eating non-stop (I've ballooned at a staggering weight gain of 20lbs now - fatty fatty bum bum). Ah, if only I could live in a perpetual vacation, doing nothing but reading and sleeping. Now, that would be something.

I felt a minor accomplishment the other night. I mowed the lawn and weeded the front garden. And then I think to myself, "That's an accomplishment? That shouldn't be an accomplishment, that should just be life. When did mowing the lawn become an accomplishment?" I'm in desperate need of some focus.

Focus. Focus. Focus.

Did I mention I need some focus?

Oh, shiny!...

Thank you

2010-05-20T09:11:00.002-04:00

For those of you, strangers, friends and family alike, who have posted up their thoughts and concerns here for me, I want to offer my heartfelt thanks. I'm not publishing these comments as I feel that they are for me and me alone, but I have read each and every one of them and appreciate the thoughts that each of you have left and have taken to heart your comments.

My days are getting better. My bad days can still be bad, but I feel they are getting fewer and farther between. Now, if that's just because of my meds or that I am actually working my way through my emotions... well that still remains to be seen, but I can say that things seem to be looking up a little these days.

Thank you again to everyone who has stopped by and left comments for me.

2010-05-11T10:09:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, all I want is a little respect.

2010-05-10T16:12:00.003-04:00

Once upon a time, I felt like I meant something to somebody. Now, all I feel like was a means to an end for him.

2010-05-10T11:03:00.002-04:00

So, I'm giving in and finally going to the doctor to see about more meds to help me sleep. Pretty soon I think I'll be taking a pill for everything.

When did I become this person?

2010-05-09T21:55:00.001-04:00

Fuck it all. Seriously, why can't I move on?

2010-05-06T16:25:00.001-04:00

Wandering aimlessly.

2010-05-05T18:36:00.001-04:00

I would be perfectly fine with my daily dose of frustration going down at any time now. Honest. Really I would.

fatty fatty bumbum

2010-05-05T13:50:00.001-04:00

I tipped the scales at over 260lbs this morning. I need to exercise more. I need to eat less. I need to find the motivation to do these things. I was hoping going to Florida in August would help with that, but alas, all I want to do right now is sit on my ass and eat chocolate.

And it's not just any ass that I'm sitting on at home. Nope, it's a FAT ASS!

2010-05-02T09:33:00.001-04:00

I'm tired of not caring, but I don't care that I don't care. It's a vicious cycle.

2010-05-01T23:32:00.000-04:00

Why can't I find the motivation for anything at home except eating these days? It's no wonder I'm getting to be the size of a house again. Fatty fatty bum bum.

2010-04-28T11:12:00.001-04:00

I wish I could see myself the way others see me. I have some wonderful friends and family who keep telling me how great I am and what a fantastic person I am, and I just can't see it. I look in the mirror and I see an overweight failure of a person who wishes that things could be different; wishes he could look different, feel different; feel like the person that people say I am. But I just can't find that person in the reflection right now. Sometimes I might catch a glimmer, but that's ever about it.

Someday I'd like to be able to look in the mirror and not think, "This is as good as it gets, and it isn't really that great, is it?"

2010-04-23T22:38:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wonder, what's the point?

2010-04-22T15:13:00.001-04:00

I know I've only been working on trying to fix my problems for a couple of months now, but it just seems like a losing battle. Nothing feels like it's being fixed, just masked by drugs, and I'm already growing weary of trying to fix something that feels permanently broken. I want to feel like I have possibility again, like I did a few months ago, but that has slipped away from me.

Nothing feels worth it to me right now.

2010-04-22T15:08:00.001-04:00

I often wonder if I'd actually be missed.

Today's fun with cognitive blunting!

2010-04-16T14:01:00.000-04:00

OK, so I thought I'd have to post some my adventures with cognitive blunting, an apparent odd side effect of my new meds. Last night I was getting together with Tanya for her birthday, and on my way home from work I stopped at B&N to pick up a book on the circus for her. I left it in my car when I got home because I had my hands full, but had every intention to get it wrapped and take it to her later in the evening. I never remembered again that I had purchased the book until I got halfway to her place and found it sitting on the back seat of the car. In the time span of me buying the book and getting back to my place and then leaving a couple of hours later for her place, I'd forgotten that I'd bought the book and that I had wanted to wrap it.

Cognitive blunting is fun!

project:Re-Invention 10 IV 2010

2010-04-10T22:38:00.004-04:00

Have you ever woken, realized that you have a perfectly good life, wonderful friends and family, a good job... and still think that there is something missing from your life; that you are meant for something more than what you currently are?

I think I'm just beginning to wake up to that.

This is an amazing video that I just had to share

2010-04-10T22:15:00.002-04:00

project:Re-Invention 23 III 2010

2010-03-23T16:12:00.002-04:00

I've dropped almost 10lbs in the last 2 weeks, both from change in meds and stress. Not the best way to be dropping the weight, but I'll take anything at this point!

project:Re-Invention 11 III 2010

2010-03-11T06:49:00.004-05:00

Today starts the new drug regimen of Lexapro to see if that will help with the feelings of hopelessness, but right now I don't see how that's going to be possible. This morning it just feels like my life is falling apart around me, slowly but surely, and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm thinking I'm going to have to be taking on a second job again, which in my current state may not be the best idea, but it's the only solution I can think of to my money problems. It's either that, hope for winning the lottery or going to my uncle, which I won't do, so another job it is. I'm going to be going through the huge amount of collectible stuff that I have around the house here and starting to sell that as well, and any money that I make from that will be going right to bills. If I'm ever going to get out of Lansing, the only way that will be able to happen is if I get my money situation under control. The fact that I thought I was paying off my car this year when in fact I still have another year to go was a hard blow to take yesterday and yet another reason why I feel like such a failure. Six months ago everything about this year was supposed to be the year where my life was going to come together, and now it just seems to unravel, thread by thread, until I'm afraid there's not going to be much left of it, unless I do the one thing that I don't want to do, and that's take on a second job. It will change everything about my life and while it will help with the money situation, I'm afraid that it will take away all the things that do keep me "sane" right now. These are the days when I hope that I don't fall too much under the influence of myself. I wish today had a better outlook on things, but at this moment, at the start of this day, I'm feeling pretty hopeless and futile.

Re-Invention Initiative - Self-Improvement

project:Re-Invention:try

2010-03-10T14:36:00.004-05:00

That's all I want to do, try.
Try to do my best.
Try to make myself better.
Try to be the best friend I can be.
Try to be better to myself.
Try to get my life back together.
Try to get back to myself.
Try.
And eventually, do.
And eventually, succeed.

project:Re-Invention 10 III 2010

2010-03-10T11:45:00.005-05:00

A small amount of Re-Invention today, but every little step helps, right? I'm cleaning out my work space. I've accumulated a large amount of crap, for lack of a better word, over the years and I want it gone! Working at a job for 13 years, you get a lot of stuff that you don't need anymore, so I'm taking the better part of today, while it's slow around the office, to do some early spring cleaning and if it isn't something that is useful to me in getting my job done, then it is no longer needing to take up space around my desk. Clutter, be gone!

Re-Invention Initiative - Re-Organization

project:Re-Invention

2010-03-08T16:45:00.005-05:00

A work in progress and coming soon.

Photo du jour

2010-03-08T08:59:00.001-05:00

OK, today you get a twofer from my latest trip to Chicago. I'm trying out a new app on my iPhone, so you may be seeing several of these types of photos coming across here soon.

Magdalene Sculpure by Dessa Kirk

The Art Institute of Chicago

New postcrossing!

2010-03-08T08:55:00.000-05:00

I received a new postcrossing postcard in the mail!

This one came from Taiwan (I've been getting quite a few from there these last couple of weeks):

The description on the card reads "Chi-shang, Fu-de Temple, Rape Flowers Fields".

The kindness of a complete stranger

2010-03-03T16:04:00.001-05:00

Maybe someday soon, when my life slows down a little, I'll write about what has been going on recently. Some good, a lot not so good, all of it moving toward a better me. Hopefully.

But, I have to share this here. I belong to an amazing social networking website called LibraryThing. It's for book people, like me. And it is populated by some of the most intelligent, witty, caring people that I have even been privileged to know. And it has been slowing coming out there how I have been having some troubles, and one amazing person whom I just got to know this year, not even 3 months really, wrote to me today:

It is a long, difficult journey, but in the end the wonderful person called David will shine through, just like a richly woven tapestry (your LT name)....

Tapestries contain rich, varied colors, subtle nuances and a lot of energy to weave the many varied threads. When finished, they are a joy to behold. My experience in observing tapestries (my favorites are at the Closters, a branch of the Metropolitan Art Museum in New York) is that you need to stand back from them in order to take in their full beauty.... When seen from a different perspective, all the spectacular work that went into the making resonates with the soul.

Make sense?

Words are unable to express the depth of the emotions that went through me when I read that, but I do know that this person is a beautiful soul and quite possible one of those angels masquerading as people on this planet, and today I feel blessed by her kindness. And for a change, it brought me to tears, but of happiness instead of sadness, because in her words I found hope for myself, which has been missing for quite a long time now.

I only hope that someday I can repay the kindness that she has shown me.

Favorite quote of the day

2010-02-18T11:52:00.000-05:00

Posted on Facebook from one of the local bakeries in town:

lent, new year's resolutions....the harder you try to be good the more we bake ;). It's easier to make you all fluffier than for me to get skinnier.

2010-02-14T09:09:00.002-05:00

Fuck you, Valentine's Day.

2010-02-04T10:32:00.001-05:00

Never good enough.

New postcrossing!

2010-02-03T10:46:00.000-05:00

I received several new postcrossing postcards in the mail!

I received 2 from Taiwan:

One from Hong Kong:

And one from Russia, showing Red Square:

New postcrossing!

2010-01-25T13:41:00.004-05:00

I received a few new postcrossing postcards in the mail!

I received 2 from Germany:

And one from Norway:

Fortune du jour

2010-01-20T13:00:00.003-05:00

"You are sociable and entertaining."

So, either I make friends easily and am fun to hang out with, or I talk too much and make a fool of myself. I'm OK with either of those descriptions.

At the movies: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

2010-01-20T11:46:00.000-05:00

Movie: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Rating: 4/5 stars

I went to see The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus last night, and I really enjoyed it. Really, I did. However, I did leave the theater with a slightly not-entirely-satisfied feeling, and I honestly can't put a finger on what I felt was lacking in the movie, but something just didn't quite entirely click for me. I almost feel that part of it had to do with the incredible piece of music that was used in the trailer that was not subsequently used in the movie. That irritates me. Especially when the music that is used in the movie doesn't quite live up to the expectations set forth in the trailer. The music in a movie is one of the most important things for me since it can really complete a scene, and the while the music in Parnassus was good, it didn't live up to the music in the trailer. Alas. Even so, the film was very clever and visually stunning! Of course, the big question on my mind going into the movie was how were they going to work Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law into the film, as they came in to finish Heath Ledger's role since he died while they were filming the movie. I don't want to give away how they worked the other 3 into the film, but it was well done. Of course, this may have also been part of what made me feel not-so-satisfied, as I kept looking out for their inclusion, and quite frankly just the knowledge that they were in the movie finishing Ledger's role was a little distracting. I kept finding myself trying to see where they had to use doubles for Ledger and whatnot, so didn't find myself entirely immersed in the film as a result of that, either. All in all, I really did enjoy the movie and I think I'd like to go see it again.

For more information on the movie, visit the official website here.

It's a new year, time for some new goals

2010-01-19T12:10:00.001-05:00

OK, so it's a little late in the year to be making resolutions, or goals; I like goals better, resolutions just sound so final and I know my life is not like that. At all. Never has been, never will be. I wish there were absolutes with me, but I simply don't operate that way. So, here are the things that I want to work on this year. I'm hoping that if I get them down so that I can refer back to them at the end of the year, I can see if I actually made any progress or not. Self, pay attention now:

Be happier. Quit focusing on the negative and really pay attention to the positive. Be spontaneous. Be the type of person that you want to hang out with.
Take better care of yourself. This is easy, as you've already started doing this, but do it better this year. Remember the goal you set yourself for your birthday? You may be a little behind, but it's still attainable. You've still got 2 1/2 months!
Treat yourself better. This is easy too! And totally achievable. Learn how to say no. Learn how to take care of yourself the way you take care of others. Be forceful about it when you need to be. Put your foot down. Say no. People will survive, and they won't leave you.
Force creativity. After awhile, you won't have to force it anymore.
Let it go and move on. It's never going to happen. You know of what I speak. But DON'T DON'T DON'T let this make you feel worthless. You know this is a slippery slope for you, but YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS. No matter how many times this will happen to you, you are NOT worthless.
Be content with your life. It's OK that things aren't working out the way you expected them to by now. It's just a little hiccup in the larger scheme of things. Also know where things are going is going to help you make this adjustment easier.
Clean out crap! Scale back. There is so much that is drowning you in physical possessions that you don't even pay attention to anymore. Less is more, and will make you feel better not being tied down to some much stuff.
Be the friend that you really want to be. Keep in touch, and not just through the computer. See people, face to face. You'll feel better, and so will they.

So, there, that's the list for now. There's the other little stuff: read more, see more movies, blah blah blah, but that list comprises the things that I simply must work on this year. I'm in a rut and that isn't good. I'm tired of being me, and that's even worse. I should really like the person that I am since I don't think I'm really all that bad of a guy, but circumstances being what they are have left me feeling less than worthy lately, and the only person that is going to be able to change that for me is me. So let's start trying. Right now. Self, are you listening? I hope so.

Great times with a dear, dear friend

2010-01-15T14:23:00.000-05:00

Last night, Tanya and I decided to meet up for soup and to catch up some, and what I thought was going to be a short visit ended up being 4 1/2 hours! And I can't wait until we do it again!! Love you, darling!

On DVD - The Hangover

2010-01-13T16:58:00.000-05:00

Movie: The Hangover
Rating: 4/5 stars

I really wasn't sure about renting The Hangover. I was really concerned that it was going to be nothing more than another asinine Adam Sandler/Will Ferrell type comedy, so was surprised when it proved to be a somewhat intelligent (this term is used rather loosely here) comedy that is asinine in it's own way, but still smartly asinine all the same.

**spoiler alert!!**
The premise is four guys go to Vegas for a bachelor party, and in a case of mistaken drug use, end up taking ruffies instead of Ecstasy and three of the four wake up in their hotel room the next morning without a clue as to what happened the night before (How did the room get so trashed? Where did the tiger come from? The chicken? Whose baby is that?). The missing member of their party is the groom-to-be, so the remaining buddies try to piece together the events of their evening, discovering more and more just what they got themselves into. As they finally discover the whereabouts of their missing groom, the four make it back just in time for the wedding, with only a camera found in the car to shed anymore light on the situation. Make sure you sit through the credits to catch the pics from the camera; these are almost as good as the rest of the movie.

Not the greatest cinematic masterpiece ever, but I still found myself laughing out loud despite it all. The main cast is hysterical, the supporting cast of characters is outrageous and while there is not a believable moment in the entire film, isn't that really what these movies are all about? Just ridiculous brain candy that we don't really want to think too much about? And this fit that bill perfectly. I don't know that I'd actively rush right out to see this again, but if I were to catch it on TV or some such I'd watch it again.

Latest book reviews at from my bookshelf...!

2010-01-13T16:32:00.000-05:00

3. Princess Alyss of Wonderland by Frank Beddor
4. X-Men: Emperor Vulcan by Christopher Yost, art by Paco Diaz Luque
5. A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood
6. Soulless by Gail Carriger
7. The 13 Clocks by James Thurber

Visit from my bookshelf... for more reviews and find out what I'm reading now!

Chicago: my continuing love affair with a city 1/8-1/10/2010

2010-01-13T16:23:00.000-05:00

So, an almost picture-free trip this time around, but I spent last weekend in Chicago visiting Chad. There was some concern as to whether I was even going to be able to make it out of Michigan due to the snowstorm we had the night before (7 inches or more when all was said and done), but by Friday afternoon the sun was shining and the roads were clear, so I ventured off. The main reason for the trip was to try to get tickets one more time to see The Addams Family before it left it's pre-Broadway run, and well...

So, we lucked out and got the last 2 tickets that were together for the Saturday performances. We were hoping to be on the other side of the stage than we were last time, as these were limited view tickets, but alas we were on the same side as before, but it was fine as the show is spectacularly good, we didn't really care. We were just glad to have been able to see it one more time before it left Chicago.

Now, to back up just a little, Friday night Chad and I went out to Big Chicks after he got home from work and met his friends Christopher and Ryan there and had a few (too many) drinks, danced the night away and a good time was had by all!

Fast forward again to Saturday and after the show, Chad and I had dinner at Qdoba, stopped at the Apple Store and then wandered back to his place and watched The Hangover, which ended up being significantly better than I anticipated it being (I'll post thoughts on that eventually). We tried to watch Tron (Chad has never seen it) but I only made it about ten minutes in before I fell asleep, and Chad only made it about halfway through. We had had a late night/early morning afterall, so sleep was a priority!

Sunday morning, Chicago Mandy met us at Tweet for breakfast and then drove us around on a couple of errands as it was SO FREAKING COLD and she didn't want us walking around in that kind of weather. I have the most wonderful friends!

A more or less whirlwind trip this time around, but still a much needed break from the real world and a much needed Chicago and Chad fix. Next trip: February 19-21, 2010 for the MoSaI OMNImax Film Festival.

Winter Weather Advisory - a progression

2010-01-07T09:00:00.007-05:00

We are currently under a Winter Weather Advisory from now until 4am tomorrow morning.

9am

10am

11am

noon

1pm

2pm

3pm

4pm

5pm

On DVD - The Ugly Truth

2010-01-05T15:09:00.004-05:00

Movie: The Ugly Truth
Rating: 4/5 stars

OK, so The Ugly Truth is just a plain fun movie. There's really nothing much to it, and it's obviously predictable, but it's still a nice bit of fluff to watch and not think about. Both leads, Katherine Heigl (TV producer and control freak Abby Richter) and Gerard Butler (public access cable shock host and self-proclaimed expert on what all guys want, Mike Chadway) are great in their respective roles and all the supporting cast are hysterical. Probably not something that I'd ever buy, but as a rental, it was well worth the money spent. It's definitely for adults (the R rating is justified, as most of the dialogue in the movie is sexually explicit, and there is a nice ass shot of Eric Winter, who plays Katherine Heigl's boyfriend), but fans of the formulaic romantic comedy who don't mind a little more explicit movie will enjoy this.

At the movies: Avatar

2010-01-03T20:25:00.006-05:00

Movie: Avatar
Rating: 5/5 stars (Some might argue with me on this point, but taking everything together as a whole, the movie is stunning.)

Simply put, Avatar is AMAZING! Not the most original story ever told (best described by varying comments overheard in the theater and discussed amongst ourselves afterward: Pocahontas meets Fern Gully meets Dune while the boys play Cowboys and Indians), I can honestly say that I have not seen so visually stunning a film as this in a long time. Everything about Pandora, from the Na'Vi to the flora and fauna to the actual landscape itself was breathtaking and beautiful. So much detail went into every aspect of the creation of Pandora, it's just unbelievable.

Again, the story is not all that original (and really, at this point James Cameron just needs to stop going on about how original it is!) but the movie is so encompassing that you do get lost in the film and can forgive the minor story flaws that creep in. Which is another point that S and I were discussing after the movie; we each had a point at the beginning of the film that just didn't seem right to us, but by the end is was just blurred in with the rest of the film and forgotten, so apparently not all that particular. The one thing that I still can't get over, though, and I've thought this since I saw the very first trailer for the film: It's 140+ years in the future, we have the ability to travel to other planets and survive on them, and they haven't come up with anything better than a wheelchair for Jake Sully? It's mentioned at one point that his spine can be repaired and his legs fixed, but that costs money. Understandable. But really, a wheelchair? You can't come up with something better than that? Just a personal nag.

Really, a stunning piece of cinema. If you are wondering about seeing it in 3D, I'd recommend it. I've only seen the 3D version so I can't give an honest comparison, but I can tell you that the 3D version is spectacular. Very engrossing, and it doesn't really detract from the film at all. I also didn't see too many of the "look at our sweeping, amazing 3D shots that are going to look ridiculous in 2D" moments that I think many of the 3D films are guilty of these days (A Christmas Carol, I'm looking at you). Now I'm just hoping that our local IMAX theater will be able to acquire a print of the film, because I'd really like to see it again on the IMAX screen.

For more information on the film, visit the official site.

Hatter M, Volume 2: Mad with Wonder by Frank Beddor & Liz Cavalier, art by Sami Makkonen

2010-01-03T10:24:00.001-05:00

Hatter M, Volume 2: Mad with Wonder reviewed at From My Bookshelf.

Hatter M, Volume 1: The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor & Liz Cavalier, art by Ben Templesmith

2010-01-02T19:41:00.003-05:00

First book of the year, Hatter M, Volume 1: The Looking Glass Wars reviewed over at From My Bookshelf.

2010 - Hello to a new (and better) year

2010-01-01T18:06:00.005-05:00

OK, so as I'm sitting here nursing a cold (not the most auspicious beginning to the New Year), I'm taking a minute to reflect back on 2009 and the hopes for 2010.

2009 really wasn't a bad year. Honest. I had some amazing moments this year. Looking back through my blog from the last year though, I had fewer posts this year than I have the last two years. I feel like I've been foundering, trying to find some kind of focus in every aspect of my life. I always look at the new year with some kind of sense of wonder - that there is so much potential in the coming year. However, right now, at this moment, I feel like I'm standing on the edge of something bigger. Maybe this will be the year that it comes together for me. What it is that I'm waiting to come together, I don't have a clue, but things feel right. Or different. Or both. I don't know, it just feels like something is going to happen.

Like I said, I had some amazing moments this year. Going out to Maine for M's graduation. C and me at Walt Disney World. Several trips to Chicago. Wicked one last time. The Addams Family on Broadway in Chicago. Getting the harem together, all at the same time, finally! Tori Amos and the generosity of a stranger. The Lion King on Broadway with my mom for my birthday at Wharton Center. Florida in October for my dad's retirement party. Banana Shpeel with C and friends. These are all fantastic moments and the reasons why I keep going, for more moments like this.

However, there were some extraordinarily frustrating and sad moments this year as well. A general sense of unpurpose for a majority of the year. Multiple times of feeling used, by several people around me. Tom passing away, after 15 months of battling cancer. A general battle with some form of personal depression; a depression that no matter how I feel I've got it conquered, seems to never leave the peripheral of my life. It's all just damned frustrating, and something that I want to work on this year.

Resolutions never really seem to work for me. I never stick with them. I'd rather try to look at the bigger picture and try to make small changes. Which sounds suspiciously like a resolution, right? Well, it is, but I don't call them resolutions. A resolution is a firm decision, and nothing about these are firm decisions. They are a general want to make a change in my life, be it small or large. I think the thing that I want to do most of all is start taking care of me. I take care of so many other people that sometimes I forget that I need to come first, every once in awhile. I don't mind taking care of people. It's what I do, and I honestly wouldn't feel complete if I didn't take care of people, but I need to start focusing on me as well. I put aside me so many times for others that I think that's part of why I feel used; because I let people use me. But I need to start being firm. Say no. Every once in awhile. I can't just stop taking care of people, like I say, it's an integral part to my being, but I do need to start taking care a little more of me. I want to read with more focus this year. I think this is going to be the easiest for me. That didn't get off to such a great start today, as I haven't read a thing, but there is still time for the first day of the year. I want to recreate my look. This will go hand in hand with my also wanting to take better care of myself. I say every year that I'm going to loose X number of pounds, and that never works. I've weighed more or less the same now for years. However, the big change this year was the gym that the Boss put together for us at the Office. I took advantage of that regularly towards the end of the year, and I can see results, so if I continue doing what I'm doing, I think I'll be recreating my body, and then I can continue recreating my look as well. It's all part of making myself a better person and being better to myself. I feel like I've let myself go over the last couple of years, and that these are small steps to move beyond that. I want more organization in my life. More focus. I want to be happier. It's all potential. It's all possible. I just need to have faith in myself to accomplish it, which is something that I've been lacking for a long time now. Faith in myself. Stop basing my idea of myself on what I think others have thought of me. I took a small blow to that faith this year, but it was a good learning experience. It forced me out of myself, just a little, and I'll be interested to see where I can take myself this year. I want some love in my life. Not just the kind that comes from my friends, which I will never give up, but I do want something more. I want something a little more intimate. And it's not about the sex. It's about the caring of two people for each other.

And right now I need to end this train of thought before I get myself upset again. Small steps. It's not going to happen in a day, David.

So there it is. My hopes for the coming year. I purchased a book on a recommendation from a friend, The Happiness Project. I'm hoping it will give me some small insight to how I can recreate myself to have a little happiness in my life, each day. It may be something small to start out with, like making sure I have a cup of coffee before I leave for the office each day, but it may be small things like that that will make me happy. Find time each day to read. Call the family. Reconnect with friends, and not just through my computer. CALL THEM! It's not that hard. Go see them. That's not that hard either. Start going out. Meet people again. Let people know you exist. These are all things that will make you feel better about yourself, David. Make connections with new people. All achievable. Just believe in yourself. It's not that hard to do. You did it once. You can do it again.

Happy New Year, David. It will be. Just believe in it.

Great times with old friends!

2009-12-31T20:26:00.004-05:00

Spiral, December 26, 2009